Quarrels In A Relationship: How To Make Them Positive

Quarrels in a relationship: how to make them positive

Arguing is something we consider negative, but it can be positive if we know how to do it. Today we will focus on the fights we have with someone important to us – girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, etc. – that usually drive us crazy.

Arguments can cause us to become angry with our partner or feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes we have to look for forgiveness afterwards. Quarrels can go so far as to cause a rift in the relationship.

Just like how we learn to talk, argue, explain, and learn a million other things, we must also learn to argue. This is especially important when it comes to our relationships.

Why aren’t we taught how to do this? Because we close our eyes and ears to everything we see as negative and to everything we’re told we shouldn’t. Today we will change that. We will learn to argue!

Quarrels in your relationship are normal


Many couples believe that when they are arguing, it means that something is not right. They believe they should never argue, or at least almost never.

Nothing is less true. Quarrels indicate differences between two people who are in a relationship. Quarrels are common in our relationships with our siblings, our parents, our friends, and many others.

If there is a healthy place for arguments in our own family, why not in our romantic relationship? We are all human and arguing can actually strengthen a relationship.

A fight can solve a problem that could have gotten worse without the fight. These kinds of heated discussions allow us to recognize the differences between us and our partner and find a solution that benefits both members of the relationship.

When a couple never argues at all, that’s where we should be concerned. Something’s wrong. Probably one or both of the people involved is not saying what he or she is actually thinking.

This can be frustrating for the person who always says what he thinks. When there is a disagreement that needs to be discussed, something is missing. Do you know what that is? Exactly: communication.

Yes, arguing is communicating, learning and discovering what is happening in our relationship. It is a tool to find out what problems we have, how to solve them and to discover something new about our important person.

Learn how to argue with your partner


No doubt you think it’s unlikely that there really is any science behind knowing how to argue. But that’s a mistake. Here are three basic points that you should always keep in mind, especially if you are arguing with your partner:

  • Think before you speak. During arguments, we can get irritated and say things we don’t really want to say. Words or sentences can just slip past us before we have really thought about their meaning. This can lead to hurt feelings and regret.
  • Analyze and think, “how can I say this?” In other words, many things we say shoot out with emotions, which can be positive or negative. In an argument, these explode, making the positive much more positive, but also making the negative much more hurtful.
  • Listen to your partner. One of the biggest problems is not listening and then saying out loud the first thing that pops into our head. Listen and you’ll see how an argument can take a positive path.

These points are not trying to ignore the main problem that was the original cause of the quarrel. These points are simply a strategy for letting an argument find its way and trying to come to an agreement.

Sometimes we explode because we may have bottled something up inside for a while. At times like these, an argument can be both unavoidable and helpful, allowing us to release all that pent-up negative energy in a controlled way.

Do not attack the other person; be sincere

It is important for a couple to have fights and be honest with each other. It is important that neither person keeps to himself feelings that will inevitably come out. These can end up being shared in an undesirable way, or without control.

Attacking the other person, ignoring them, getting defensive and trying to figure out who is “right” are some of the reactions most of us have had in an argument at some point. However, these only hurt your partner and there is no real motive behind it.


These reactions only create pain and a further desire to defend ourselves. They don’t solve the problem.

Now that you know how to argue… put those three simple points into practice and allow your arguments to strengthen your relationship.

–Images courtesy of Pascal Campion and Art DK–

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