Can you really keep your freedom in a relationship? It’s scary how easily relationships can become stifling and controlling. It even happens to people who consciously try to avoid it. Most people want to be free. They don’t want to get into a relationship where they feel controlled. But at the same time, we find it important to feel united with someone. These are two sides of the same coin. It can be difficult to balance this.
It is rooted in us. We want to forge bonds with other people. It’s not logical and it’s not even physical; it is a spiritual need. The mind wants to be free, but also in a relationship.
Why do people take a controlling attitude in a relationship?
The problem revolves around insecurity and a lack of belief in ourselves. If you need someone else to give you approval and confirmation, that’s a big deal. Because you give the other person too much power over your self-image. You then put yourself in a prime position to be monitored.
This kind of deep insecurity can develop in different ways. It usually starts in childhood, within the family. But there are also exceptions. It develops on the basis of false beliefs and increases as the need for acceptance grows.
How does uncertainty develop?
We are not born as a clean blank slate waiting for the first letters to be written. But we come into the world with the hardware to live. This means that we already have the basic ingredients for a personality that will develop gradually. We possess a certain amount of intellectual potential and a range of tendencies and predispositions.
Nor are we born with an innate lack of self-confidence. As infants, we had no inclination to question ourselves, our abilities, or our worth. Children are born and fully accept themselves as they are. The seed of self-doubt is planted as a result of certain circumstances and people.
Parents are not perfect
While raising children, mistakes are made that have long-term consequences. That’s part of life. Children need the unconditional love and affection of their parents. If they don’t get this, the seed of insecurity can begin to grow in them.
Some children don’t get affection and acceptance from one parent but they do get from the other. Other children are born into families where both parents are unable to give them the love and guidance they so need.
Ultimately, they accept this lack of love and guidance as a normal dynamic. They classify it in the folder of things they consider normal and acceptable in parents, significant others, and in people in general. In time, they will project this onto all the roles they take on in their lives.
Children who do receive support from their parents can also become insecure. When they reach adolescence, they experience rejection from their peers, while at the same time losing confidence in their own judgment. They have no control over the opinion of others. Yet they take these subjective judgments as truth. This jeopardizes their self-confidence.
How can you keep your freedom in a relationship?
Before you can start a healthy relationship with another person, you have some work to do. Because change starts from within. It is important that you restore your self-esteem. This means that you must regain faith in yourself and free yourself from the self-doubt.
When two people really work well together, the relationship becomes stronger, closer and more intimate. This is the meaning of building a long-term relationship: evolving together and developing a way of togetherness and association where each person enriches the other over time.
Romantic relationships should be based on firm honest love and acceptance. By trying to control the other you force them to be a different person. Authentic and unconditional love involves a commitment to respect the freedom of the other person. It also means that you always have the option to get out of a relationship when you feel the time has come.
If you both want to maintain your dignity, communicate with each other in a respectful way. Disrespectful behavior is just unbearable. When you and your partner are free, you don’t allow one to disrespect the other. Love is a balancing act. Nothing justifies a lack of respect.
Accept each other’s differences
Accepting each other’s differences is essential for freedom in the relationship. If you reject the differences, then the relationship is not based on love.
learn from each other
Thanks to the differences, you can learn from each other. Disagreements are part of the price you pay for the other person’s contribution. See the differences as a way to help both of you grow. Each partner can teach the other something.
Learning from each other gives you the chance to work together and enjoy your freedom, instead of feeling like a prisoner.
Accept your partner’s freedom
It takes a lot of courage to accept that your partner is a free spirit. Because the risk of losing him or her is enormous. Do you feel like you don’t deserve what you have? Then you will try to keep it. As a result, you start to behave in a controlling way. Even if you were the one who was controlled in past relationships, this can still happen.
The more you accept your partner’s freedom, the more likely he will stay with you. Do you want to be free and so does your partner? Then respect the other person’s right to make choices or to leave the other person. Only by respecting and protecting the other person’s freedom will you be able to build a truly loving relationship.